The grieving of my miscarriage feels heavy this month. I cannot recall feeling empty after the initial loss of the pregnancy. In February it felt easier to truly turn my emotions over to the Lord. Undoubtedly, there was sadness and heartbreak. Yet, I found solace in His will and plan for me. Relying heavily on the Holy Spirit and comforting words from family and friends, gave me peace and filled my heart during that time.
However, September (baby’s due date) is here and there is no baby and my heart feels empty. There are no swollen ankles, constant peeing, or uncomfortable sleepless nights. There is no extra weight, forever changing the shape of my body. It goes without saying that while I am happy to not be experiencing the physical changes, I am sad over the loss of pregnancy. My mourning has set in during what is my most favorite part of pregnancy, the absolute end where you receive your reward, a beautiful child. We will not receive a little bundle of joy in a few short days. There will be no baby to nurse or anxiously await each milestone. These types of thoughts flood my mind daily, and more often when my house is quiet. It appears the full impact of the miscarriage has taken hold.
It is time for me to look inward and heal. My heart desires peace and not suffering. I find great comfort and healing when I turn to the Father for guidance. He sends the Holy Spirit to surround me and when I am listening, it plants itself in my soul. I hear Him reminding me of scriptures. For example I hear myself quietly repeating “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 while washing the dishes or folding laundry. The Holy Spirit will, also, bring hymns or songs to my heart. Natalie Grant’s song Held is infrequently played on the christian radio station. However, today it played after I dropped the boys off at school. I sang along to the chorus, because that is usually the only part I know. 
The song went off and my desire to hear it again had me looking forward to getting home! As soon as I got there, I searched YouTube for “Natalie Grant Held Lyrics”. This video was the first choice on the search results.
Watching this video stung and touched my heart in places, I was not acknowledging. September 2012 will be another notch in my belt of the feeling held by Jesus. Praise the Lord for having me view this video and hear the beautiful lyrics from Natalie Grant. Thank you Father for reminding me that you hold me. Thank you for sending this song to me through your Holy Spirit today.
We are often asked “Will you try again?” Quite frankly, we were not trying for a child in the first place. We were just doing what two married, irresponsible every once in while the bedroom, people do and it caught up with us! We have had and will continue to discuss the topic whether we should try to conceive. My desire to heal my ache from the miscarriage is greater than the desire for a baby right now. I am starting to crawl out of that dark place in my head. I’ll continue to call upon the Lord for strength. He will continue to be my refuge. My help comes from the Lord.
Hugs love and prayers Joy. I admire so much how you can put your feelings into words. Beautiful song and beautiful sentiment. Much love with your healing.
Thank you Lynsey! Hugs back!
Joy, my heart aches with yours as I know the pain of this kind of loss all too well. I will be praying for you, too, and I hope you will let me know if there is anything I can do to support you along the way. You are my faith inspiration, and I love you. Peace be with you.
Thank you Erin! You are my strength inspiration! You are one of the strongest women I know. I love you too!
Wonderful message, Joy. A lot of the time, it is hard for us to accept the places we have been in our lives, but if we remember Jeremiah 29:11, it isn’t up to us. Together, with those who love you, there is healing.
Sweet Joy! My eyes welled up as I was reading your blog! You are such an inspiration. Hugs and prayers are being sent your way!
Thank you for your prayers Emmilee. Writing is therapy because moments after posting this I felt emotionally so much lighter. The Joy of the Lord is my strength!!!
Healing prayers for you! We experienced a miscarriage before Sweet T followed by a couple of years of infertility. Living through our due month was just as hard as the actual loss.
Joy, I have no words for you. Just know that you will heal and that as you said God is holding you in his hands. Sometimes that is all we can ask or hope for. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
I went through what you are going through last year. I was due in Feb but miscarried in June. I was in a lot of pain and there was (and sometimes still is a little) anger of what they Lord would do this. It made no sense to me at all (we had to go through fertility treatments). I don’t know if ever gets easier you just learn to live with a new you one where you remember more than anyone else your sweet little angel. The only solace I had out of all this is my little Brasen never knew pain or heartbreak or any other terrible thing and our little ones are in heaven whispering secrets in God’s ear and playing together! HUGS!
Praying for you.
What kind words! I truly believe they are skipping and laughing in heaven! I cannot wait to meet them!