The grieving of my miscarriage feels heavy this month. I cannot recall feeling empty after the initial loss of the pregnancy. In February it felt easier to truly turn my emotions over to the Lord. Undoubtedly, there was sadness and heartbreak. Yet, I found solace in His will and plan for me. Relying heavily on the Holy Spirit and comforting words from family and friends, gave me peace and filled my heart during that time.
However, September (baby’s due date) is here and there is no baby and my heart feels empty. There are no swollen ankles, constant peeing, or uncomfortable sleepless nights. There is no extra weight, forever changing the shape of my body. It goes without saying that while I am happy to not be experiencing the physical changes, I am sad over the loss of pregnancy. My mourning has set in during what is my most favorite part of pregnancy, the absolute end where you receive your reward, a beautiful child. We will not receive a little bundle of joy in a few short days. There will be no baby to nurse or anxiously await each milestone. These types of thoughts flood my mind daily, and more often when my house is quiet. It appears the full impact of the miscarriage has taken hold.
It is time for me to look inward and heal. My heart desires peace and not suffering. I find great comfort and healing when I turn to the Father for guidance. He sends the Holy Spirit to surround me and when I am listening, it plants itself in my soul. I hear Him reminding me of scriptures. For example I hear myself quietly repeating “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 while washing the dishes or folding laundry. The Holy Spirit will, also, bring hymns or songs to my heart. Natalie Grant’s song Held is infrequently played on the christian radio station. However, today it played after I dropped the boys off at school. I sang along to the chorus, because that is usually the only part I know. The song went off and my desire to hear it again had me looking forward to getting home! As soon as I got there, I searched YouTube for “Natalie Grant Held Lyrics”. This video was the first choice on the search results.
Watching this video stung and touched my heart in places, I was not acknowledging. September 2012 will be another notch in my belt of the feeling held by Jesus. Praise the Lord for having me view this video and hear the beautiful lyrics from Natalie Grant. Thank you Father for reminding me that you hold me. Thank you for sending this song to me through your Holy Spirit today.
We are often asked “Will you try again?” Quite frankly, we were not trying for a child in the first place. We were just doing what two married, irresponsible every once in while the bedroom, people do and it caught up with us! We have had and will continue to discuss the topic whether we should try to conceive. My desire to heal my ache from the miscarriage is greater than the desire for a baby right now. I am starting to crawl out of that dark place in my head. I’ll continue to call upon the Lord for strength. He will continue to be my refuge. My help comes from the Lord.